Vicki's Bit-o-earth

Its been several weeks since I've written any words other than those about the loss of my grandma on this blog. I need this one last post ... to say what I'm thinking and feeling. This is amazing to me. I never thought I'd be so "vocal" about personal things in this way. I'm so amazed that I'm writing this here.

I've been thinking about what drew me so close to her throughout my life so far. And I've been thinking about my own granddaughter. I've stayed away from posting photos of my family, but I seem drawn todo it right now. This is my sweet Sophia, and I am her grandma. She's my first grandchild, and her birth was an experience I'll always treasure. I am so fortunate to have a daughter-in-law who is like a real daughter to me, and who allowed me to be there throughout the whole delivery process.

I'm processing something ... What makes a child connect in a deep way to a parent or grandparent? Is it one thing? Many things? I think many.

Of my two grandmothers... One gave me my heart's desires whenever my sister and I went to visit... new dresses, candy, many visits to the newest cool places ... The other was pretty strict (in a good way). We had chores. She never bought us goodies unless we had "done our part" to help with chores, and its not that she couldn't afford to. She could. We knew we had a responsibility to help in our little way to support the family's well-being. Both grandma's were great cooks, and could cook up a storm. Both were loving, cheerful, and supportive. So what was it that drew me so much closer to one, than the other?

I think it was because she held me accountable. She made me feel important in this. It was that she made it clear we were all a team; that things were just "things"; that it is our words and actions that matter most. I think it was also that she was solid in everything she did and said. I knew exactly where she stood. I knew that her family mattered above all else. There was no gossip, no complaining about or to anyone ... and when tough things happened, she was unshaken. She just "did" whatever had to be done. There were no popularity contests in the family. Each was loved equally, and we all knew it.

All these things are what I hope to pass on to my granddaughter. I hope I will be loved by her... in the same way I loved my grandmother. It will not be an easy task. Its so easy to complain (within ear-shot of the children); to crumble under pressure; to take the easiest route to any one goal. As I've ruminated over the memories my grandmother's life, I've determined to make it my goal to be the kind of grandparent that Sophie can count on... not for money, goodies and superficial things ... but for the real stuff. For unconditional love, accountability, and a positive attitude and outlook on life. I want her to know she can count on me to be honest and fair, but not to spoil her or be superficial about life, love and family.

Is this possible? In a time when there is so much that draw children's attention toward the glamorous and superficial things? I honestly don't know, but I'm going to give it my best effort. I suffer from anxiety when events/life becomes unpredictable, so it will be interesting to test myself. I always feel a bit shaky inside ... but maybe she did too. Maybe she just didn't let anyone see it. I don't believe in hiding things. That never works. But maybe what I'm trying to say, is that I want my granddaughter to hear and see a positive attitude from me. I want her to know that if we are willing to step up and "do" what has to be done, anything can be accomplished.

Its time, and I have big shoes to fill. Can I do it? This is my big question. I hope so.